My lip ring makes me drool more when I sleep. It's fucking nasty. I don't want to take it out though, because that would be a waste of my life.

I'm starting a new diet today. And I'm going to keep it, because if I don't then I'll die.

Goal: 0 calories. Just to cleanse the system. Then maybe like 100. I dunno.

I feel ill. 

I hate when people try to sound deep. But they're really not. I'm much more interested in things that come straight from the heart, or are your thoughts, not something completely overanalyzed in your mind to sound deep enough to impress someone good. Because that's just sad. If what you really think isn't impressive enough, then fuck it. Why impress them anyway?

Sam bought silver pants on Sunday. I think I may have come to terms with some stuff. And I've realized that I lied when I said the medication wasn't working. Because a day off of it was like a hammer to the emotion control center or something. I'm surprised I didn't shut down completely. I could sleep right now. But I won't, because I'm attempting this whole "good student" thing.

i haven't showered since thursday, so i guess that's a bad sign. i feel bad again. and i don't feel like being around people anymore. and school is a drag. and there's a beast in my head telling me the wrong things. i'm sort of worried. i don't want to become some blob that lurks in my room forever and just dies off. i tried "getting out more" and that helps until i'm alone. i need to not be alone anymore or i get scared. that's why i'm on the fucking computer so much. i can talk to living things. and not just hear my thoughts in the quiet.

maybe i'll go wash myself. 

Any of you. At all. Sometimes I wonder how we are the same species if you seem so foreign to me. I saw a picture of this monkey today, or two monkeys. And one was cleaning the other. Then in the next picture, they are switched, and mokey 2 is cleaning monkey 1. I think I understand them better than us. They monkeys don't cry if they look fat one day. And the monkeys get what they give. Why is it so different for us? I could invest 100 dollars and if I'm lucky, maybe tomorrow I'll be a millionaire. Or I could work harder than anyone for my whole life, and just barely get by.  I love the opprotunities that come with being in our society, but they don't work out for everyone.  I remember being a kid, and having adults constantly telling me "you can be whatever you want to be." But I never believed them.  I couldn't be a ballerina, they have to be perfect. I couldn't be a singer, you have to have talent in the first place.  I'm not very old, but I'm old enough to know that not all of my dreams will come true. And maybe that's why I wish so much. The more wishes I have, the more likely it is at least one will actually happen.

Mental health day, to put it nicely. I love when I can sleep until 5 in the evening, then wake up, live my life for a few hours, and sleep again. But I guess sleeping until 2 will have to do for today. And tomorrow I'll have to make an appearance again. I want to just hide in my room forever until I can get my shit straight. I don't want your help and your opinions, only I can fix me. Because only I can feel what's wrong. So don't try. Just sit there and try to look pretty, and I will try to be the brains of the operation.

I wish I knew that someone amazing would read this and make me feel better. But they won't because amazing people don't waste their lives reading the writing of annoying, complaining, ugly girls like myself. Because everything I say is a waste of the precious space of their minds. I HATE THIS.